Man detained by Pentecostal ushers for crucifix possession

PENSACOLA, FL --- Jeremy Lloyd has been detained and subjected to weeks of perpetual Pentecostal worship and re-education for carrying an illegal crucifix onto church grounds. "The Apostolic Oneness Pentecostal Church explicitely prohibits possession of pagan materials on sacred grounds," asserted Usher Terry Bowen. "This includes items such as rosaries, crucifixes, non-KJV Bibles and trinitarian … Continue reading Man detained by Pentecostal ushers for crucifix possession

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Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

FRANKLIN, WI --- While the heavy coursework has recently resumed on the grounds of Sacred Heart School of Theology, Shane Fraser, a freshman student, has his eyes set on something else. "When I enrolled here at Sacred Heart, I was anticipating late nights of studying and rebuking heretics on Facebook walls -- I never thought … Continue reading Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- While observing lunar movements in preparation for the upcoming and greatly-hyped solar eclipse projected to make a beeline straight through the heart of the U.S., the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has made a shocking discovery. "The impending eclipse may be even more of an edgelord than Martin Luther himself," a NASA … Continue reading Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

On “Belial Heaps My Spur’d Pyre High” [Stanza 1]

"The darkness cannot overcome Light, it is simply the absence of Light, the utter banishment of Light. However, Light cannot be banished. Any narrow rift in the blindfold of darkness allows a little bit of Light to flitter in. At that point, it is no longer darkness, just less Light than there should be. As the mask slips off the face, more and more Light creeps in until that blinder is no more and you are fully immersed into Light's golden rays; and, at long last, you can see."

Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

PHOENIX, AZ --- The Southern Baptist Convention’s Committee on Order of Business released a statement at their Annual Meeting earlier today. Officials have decided to endorse Coors Light as the official beer of the convention. “This is massive for Baptists everywhere!” said Frank Page, President of the SBC Executive Committee. “No longer will we have … Continue reading Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

On the compatibility and duality of Christianity and conservatism

A few months ago, a website known as The Odyssey published an article attempting to controvert the manifest idea that one can be both Christian and politically conservative, striving to confute the millions of conservative Christians living in the land of the free. This article has widely circulated through political and religious discussion circles alike, and … Continue reading On the compatibility and duality of Christianity and conservatism