Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

FRANKLIN, WI --- While the heavy coursework has recently resumed on the grounds of Sacred Heart School of Theology, Shane Fraser, a freshman student, has his eyes set on something else. "When I enrolled here at Sacred Heart, I was anticipating late nights of studying and rebuking heretics on Facebook walls -- I never thought … Continue reading Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- While observing lunar movements in preparation for the upcoming and greatly-hyped solar eclipse projected to make a beeline straight through the heart of the U.S., the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has made a shocking discovery. "The impending eclipse may be even more of an edgelord than Martin Luther himself," a NASA … Continue reading Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

On “Belial Heaps My Spur’d Pyre High” [Stanza 1]

"The darkness cannot overcome Light, it is simply the absence of Light, the utter banishment of Light. However, Light cannot be banished. Any narrow rift in the blindfold of darkness allows a little bit of Light to flitter in. At that point, it is no longer darkness, just less Light than there should be. As the mask slips off the face, more and more Light creeps in until that blinder is no more and you are fully immersed into Light's golden rays; and, at long last, you can see."

Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

PHOENIX, AZ --- The Southern Baptist Convention’s Committee on Order of Business released a statement at their Annual Meeting earlier today. Officials have decided to endorse Coors Light as the official beer of the convention. “This is massive for Baptists everywhere!” said Frank Page, President of the SBC Executive Committee. “No longer will we have … Continue reading Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

On the compatibility and duality of Christianity and conservatism

A few months ago, a website known as The Odyssey published an article attempting to controvert the manifest idea that one can be both Christian and politically conservative, striving to confute the millions of conservative Christians living in the land of the free. This article has widely circulated through political and religious discussion circles alike, and … Continue reading On the compatibility and duality of Christianity and conservatism

Catholic Church declares following Pope Francis’ Twitter account to be a new penitential practice

VATICAN CITY --- Four long years after first granting indulgences to those who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, the Catholic Church has made a landmark doctrinal announcement earlier today. “Due to the publicity -- no, sorry, I mean due the historic faithfulness of the Holy Father’s recent practice of granting indulgence to those who follow … Continue reading Catholic Church declares following Pope Francis’ Twitter account to be a new penitential practice

BREAKING: Armed robbery averted when man’s firearm informed him that he was entering a gun-free zone

SANTA FE, NM --- An armed robbery of a U.S. Bank branch was avoided just earlier today due to the potential burglar’s M9-Beretta alerting him that he was about to enter a gun-free zone. “I can’t believe I forgot that it’s a gun-free zone,” Camilo Alvarado, the prospective bandit, said. “It’s just not fair to … Continue reading BREAKING: Armed robbery averted when man’s firearm informed him that he was entering a gun-free zone