Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

FRANKLIN, WI --- While the heavy coursework has recently resumed on the grounds of Sacred Heart School of Theology, Shane Fraser, a freshman student, has his eyes set on something else. "When I enrolled here at Sacred Heart, I was anticipating late nights of studying and rebuking heretics on Facebook walls -- I never thought … Continue reading Seminarian’s relationship with the Church “getting serious”

Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

WASHINGTON, D.C. --- While observing lunar movements in preparation for the upcoming and greatly-hyped solar eclipse projected to make a beeline straight through the heart of the U.S., the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has made a shocking discovery. "The impending eclipse may be even more of an edgelord than Martin Luther himself," a NASA … Continue reading Coming solar eclipse may cast more shade than Luther, experts say

Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

PHOENIX, AZ --- The Southern Baptist Convention’s Committee on Order of Business released a statement at their Annual Meeting earlier today. Officials have decided to endorse Coors Light as the official beer of the convention. “This is massive for Baptists everywhere!” said Frank Page, President of the SBC Executive Committee. “No longer will we have … Continue reading Southern Baptist Convention endorses Coors Light

Catholic Church declares following Pope Francis’ Twitter account to be a new penitential practice

VATICAN CITY --- Four long years after first granting indulgences to those who follow Pope Francis’ Twitter account, the Catholic Church has made a landmark doctrinal announcement earlier today. “Due to the publicity -- no, sorry, I mean due the historic faithfulness of the Holy Father’s recent practice of granting indulgence to those who follow … Continue reading Catholic Church declares following Pope Francis’ Twitter account to be a new penitential practice

BREAKING: Armed robbery averted when man’s firearm informed him that he was entering a gun-free zone

SANTA FE, NM --- An armed robbery of a U.S. Bank branch was avoided just earlier today due to the potential burglar’s M9-Beretta alerting him that he was about to enter a gun-free zone. “I can’t believe I forgot that it’s a gun-free zone,” Camilo Alvarado, the prospective bandit, said. “It’s just not fair to … Continue reading BREAKING: Armed robbery averted when man’s firearm informed him that he was entering a gun-free zone

Westboro Baptist Church updates website, claims omniscience

TOPEKA, KS --- Every now and then, you just have to get with the times; this even reigns true for the Westboro Baptist Church. With their website deteriorating as quickly as their worldview, the church decided enough was enough and decided to make some changes to their page. These changes include a mechanism that begins … Continue reading Westboro Baptist Church updates website, claims omniscience

BREAKING: History teacher gets through entire Protestant Reformation lesson without cracking a single “Diet of Worms” pun

LUDINGTON, MI --- What has previously been perceived to be impossible has been proven otherwise just earlier today at Ludington High School. Sources on campus have confirmed that Cameron West, a history teacher, has managed to get through his entire lecture on Martin Luther and the onset of reformation without uttering a single joke about … Continue reading BREAKING: History teacher gets through entire Protestant Reformation lesson without cracking a single “Diet of Worms” pun

Second coming of Luther set for five hundredth anniversary of the reformation

EISLEBEN, GERMANY --- Beard oil and tulip stocks took a significant dive on Sun., May 28, shortly after the discovery of a trunk in the basement of Lutherstadt Eisleben, the site of Martin Luther’s passing. Sources have confirmed that the trunk contained a prophetic letter signed and sealed by Luther himself. “As my time on … Continue reading Second coming of Luther set for five hundredth anniversary of the reformation